Steroids, steroids, steroids

I resurface from finals and steroids is all I'm hearing about.

Former Senator George Mitchell, of the supposedly very serious bipartisan type (think 9/11 commissioners), has set off quite the media maelstrom with his report on performance enhancing drug use in Major League Baseball. Despite the fact that nobody should be surprised by this, the headlines blare and athletes duck.

I think I could have saved him roughly 399 pages and any suspense with a simple analogy:

Picture a full house at a concert venue where everyone is thoroughly enjoying a virtuoso performance on stage. This being a sophisticated crowd, everyone stays seated and claps at the proper time. However, some young punk decides that his view from just a few rows back isn't the best. Perhaps someone very tall is right in from of him. So he stands. The few people behind him are annoyed but are able to see around him. Then the young punk's buddy stands, deciding he likes the idea of a better view as well.

The patrons behind this duo have a choice to make. They could appeal to authority and attempt to end this uprising. Or, they can stand, maybe even on their tiptoes to better their view. More likely as not, everyone in the venue will end up standing.

While simplistic, this story is exactly the situation a professional athlete faces. Millions of dollars in salary are at stake and the differences in talent are not always very large. Players will always find a way to gain an advantage. I'll leave aside for now whether we, the fans, should be appalled by this or not.

The point with respect to Senator Mitchell: Does he really think the manager of that concert venue gives a shit if the people are standing or even doing handstands? The place is full! The irony from the point of view of the concert goers is that they exert more energy by standing and they have the same relative view as before. The bottom line: the tallest guy still has the best view.

Maybe the media will apologize to Barry Bonds now. It doesn't matter whether everyone is standing or sitting, he's the best hitter since Ted Williams.